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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Cat
Dog
Hell
Heaven
Place
More quotes by Dana Gould
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Dana Gould
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Dana Gould
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Dana Gould
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Dana Gould
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
Dana Gould
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dana Gould
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
Dana Gould
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Dana Gould
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Dana Gould
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Dana Gould
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Dana Gould
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Dana Gould
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Dana Gould