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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Walk
Walks
Running
Mugger
Tell
Muggers
Away
Jogging
Around
Sweat
Women
Pants
Harder

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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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