Quote

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Opens
Sounds
Door
Window
Doors
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet
Toilets

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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Competition is the death of art.
Dana Gould
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Dana Gould
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Dana Gould
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Dana Gould
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould