Quote

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Dana Gould

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TAGS & TOPICS

Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Window
Doors
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet
Toilets
Opens
Sounds
Door

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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