Quote

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Toilets
Opens
Sounds
Door
Window
Doors
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Dana Gould
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
Dana Gould
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
Dana Gould
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
Dana Gould
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould