Quote

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Dana Gould

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Window
Doors
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet
Toilets
Opens
Sounds
Door

More quotes by Dana Gould

Image
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
Dana Gould
Image
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Dana Gould
Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
Dana Gould
Image
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Dana Gould
Image
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Dana Gould
Image
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Dana Gould
Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Dana Gould
Image
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
Dana Gould
Image
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Dana Gould
Image
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould
Image
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
Image
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
Image
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
Dana Gould
Image
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
Image
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
Image
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Dana Gould
Image
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
Dana Gould