Quote

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet
Toilets
Opens
Sounds
Door
Window
Doors

More quotes by Dana Gould

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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Dana Gould