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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Door
Window
Doors
Sound
Closes
Like
Toilet
Toilets
Opens
Sounds
More quotes by Dana Gould
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Dana Gould
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
Dana Gould
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Dana Gould
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
Dana Gould
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Dana Gould
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
Dana Gould
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Dana Gould
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould
Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
Dana Gould
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Dana Gould
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
Dana Gould
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Dana Gould
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
Dana Gould
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Dana Gould