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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Giving
Hate
Kids
Someone
Give

More quotes by Dana Gould

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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
Dana Gould
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Dana Gould
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Dana Gould
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Dana Gould
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
Dana Gould
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Dana Gould
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Dana Gould
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Dana Gould
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Dana Gould
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
Dana Gould
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
Dana Gould
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Dana Gould