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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Hate
Bill
Kids
Reform
Care
Bills
Scary
Costume
Aren
Halloween
Health
Costumes
Parent
Dressed
Belief
Beliefs

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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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