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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Feel
Sorry
Feels
Team
Cougars
Like
High
Horny
Stills
Teams
School
Ladies
Doe
Named
Still
Coach
Play
Coaches

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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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