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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Feels
Team
Cougars
Like
High
Horny
Stills
Teams
School
Ladies
Doe
Named
Still
Coach
Play
Coaches
Feel
Sorry

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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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