Quote

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Feel
Sorry
Feels
Team
Cougars
Like
High
Horny
Stills
Teams
School
Ladies
Doe
Named
Still
Coach
Play
Coaches

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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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