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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
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High
Horny
Stills
Teams
School
Ladies
Doe
Named
Still
Coach
Play
Coaches
Feel
Sorry
Feels
Team
Cougars

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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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