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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Feels
Team
Cougars
Like
High
Horny
Stills
Teams
School
Ladies
Doe
Named
Still
Coach
Play
Coaches
Feel
Sorry

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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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