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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Machine
Machines
Internet
Used
Time
Like
Primarily
Invent

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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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