Quote

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Invent
Machine
Machines
Internet
Used
Time
Like
Primarily

More quotes by Dana Gould

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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Dana Gould
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Dana Gould
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Dana Gould
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Dana Gould
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Dana Gould
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Dana Gould
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
Dana Gould
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Dana Gould
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
Dana Gould
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
Dana Gould
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
Dana Gould
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould