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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Used
Time
Like
Primarily
Invent
Machine
Machines
Internet

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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould