Quote

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Invent
Machine
Machines
Internet
Used
Time
Like
Primarily

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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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