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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Whole
Caused
Thing
Raises
Global
Cool
Window
Hobos
Longer
Pies
Takes
Pie
Wonder
Warming
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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