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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Wonder
Warming
Whole
Caused
Thing
Raises
Global
Cool
Window
Hobos
Longer
Pies
Takes
Pie
More quotes by Dana Gould
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Dana Gould
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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