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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Whole
Caused
Thing
Raises
Global
Cool
Window
Hobos
Longer
Pies
Takes
Pie
Wonder
Warming
More quotes by Dana Gould
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Dana Gould
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Dana Gould
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Dana Gould
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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