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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thing
Raises
Global
Cool
Window
Hobos
Longer
Pies
Takes
Pie
Wonder
Warming
Whole
Caused
More quotes by Dana Gould
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Dana Gould
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
Dana Gould
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
Dana Gould
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Dana Gould
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Dana Gould