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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Kids
Gun
Truck
Biker
Look
Balls
Adopted
Dunno
Looks
Dead
Talks
Hmm
Many
Full
Cats
Bikers
Maybe
Nuts
Genetically
Guy
Poison
Weirdo
Religious
Cat
Tooth
Family
Teeth
Adopt

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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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