Quote

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Maybe
Nuts
Genetically
Guy
Poison
Weirdo
Religious
Cat
Tooth
Family
Teeth
Adopt
Kids
Gun
Truck
Biker
Look
Balls
Adopted
Dunno
Looks
Dead
Talks
Hmm
Many
Full
Cats
Bikers

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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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