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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Family
Teeth
Adopt
Kids
Gun
Truck
Biker
Look
Balls
Adopted
Dunno
Looks
Dead
Talks
Hmm
Many
Full
Cats
Bikers
Maybe
Nuts
Genetically
Guy
Poison
Weirdo
Religious
Cat
Tooth

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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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