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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Stills
Cake
Still
Entire
Feel
Weight
Feels
Eating
Pride
Watches
Watch
Comes
Cupcakes

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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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