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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Watches
Watch
Comes
Cupcakes
Stills
Cake
Still
Entire
Feel
Weight
Feels
Eating
Pride

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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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