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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Jury
Bites
Duty
Life
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Dana Gould