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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Jury
Bites
Duty
Life
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More quotes by Dana Gould

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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
Dana Gould
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Dana Gould
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Dana Gould
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
Dana Gould
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
Dana Gould
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
Dana Gould
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Dana Gould