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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Hard
Forces
Present
Future
Hope
Force
Living
Part
Abandon
Nothing
Thanks

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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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