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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Nothing
Thanks
Hard
Forces
Present
Future
Hope
Force
Living
Part
Abandon

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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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