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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Present
Future
Hope
Force
Living
Part
Abandon
Nothing
Thanks
Hard
Forces

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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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