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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Five
Chicks
Ever
Costumes
Orthodox
Dating
Jew
Realized
Goth
Months
Chick
Four
Dated

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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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