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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Months
Chick
Four
Dated
Five
Chicks
Ever
Costumes
Orthodox
Dating
Jew
Realized
Goth

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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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