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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Literally
Seriously
Bible
Take

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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
Dana Gould