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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Take
Literally
Seriously
Bible

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Dana Gould