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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Gift
Pretty
Every
Years
Shitty
Gifts
Gotten

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Dana Gould