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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Years
Shitty
Gifts
Gotten
Gift
Pretty
Every

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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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