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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Gotten
Gift
Pretty
Every
Years
Shitty
Gifts

More quotes by Dana Gould

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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
Dana Gould
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
Dana Gould
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Dana Gould
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Dana Gould
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Dana Gould
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Dana Gould