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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Find
Phone
Look
Phones
Looks
Dog
People
Concerned
Face
Faces
Wanders
House
Wander
Around
Dogs
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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