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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Took
Debates
Head
Lincoln
Place
Wound
Part
Wounds
Look
Debate
Looks
Intelligence
Would
Republican
Gaping
Compassion
Abe

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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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