Quote

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Laughing
Kills
Numbers
Comics
Blood
Drawn
Audience
Beat
Actually
Mood
Difficult
Customers
Young
Beats
Aspiring
Number
Laughs

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I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
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I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
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Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
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Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
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Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
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I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
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Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
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A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.
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From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
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Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
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Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
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She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.
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Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.
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Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
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I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
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On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
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