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Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Dangerous
American
Easy
Something
Cheap
Really
Anyway
Way
Gun
Danger
Needed

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This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
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Great, as long as you're happy
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If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
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Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
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Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012
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It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
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My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
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I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
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Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.
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A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
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Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
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I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
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Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
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I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
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Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.
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Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
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I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
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