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A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Purses
Steal
Stealing
Help
Helping
Look
Looks
Purse
Junkie
More quotes by Craig Ferguson
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
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I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
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For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
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I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.
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If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
Craig Ferguson
CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.
Craig Ferguson
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Craig Ferguson
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Craig Ferguson
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Craig Ferguson
I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
Craig Ferguson
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
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I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
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He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
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That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
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It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
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There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
Craig Ferguson
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Craig Ferguson
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
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It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Craig Ferguson
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Craig Ferguson