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A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Steal
Stealing
Help
Helping
Look
Looks
Purse
Junkie
Purses
More quotes by Craig Ferguson
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
Craig Ferguson
Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.
Craig Ferguson
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
Craig Ferguson
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
Craig Ferguson
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
Craig Ferguson
In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.
Craig Ferguson
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
Craig Ferguson
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
Craig Ferguson
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Craig Ferguson
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
Craig Ferguson
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Craig Ferguson
The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
Craig Ferguson
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.
Craig Ferguson
Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.
Craig Ferguson
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
Craig Ferguson
I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.
Craig Ferguson
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
Craig Ferguson
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Craig Ferguson
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Craig Ferguson
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Craig Ferguson
