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It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Great
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Years
Quit
Sarah
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Probably
Palin
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More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
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The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
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The 3-D effects in Star Wars are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
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Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
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Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.
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A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
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It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
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From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
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The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
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Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
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On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
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I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
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Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.
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If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Craig Ferguson
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Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
Craig Ferguson
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I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
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I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
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Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
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Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
Craig Ferguson
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Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Craig Ferguson