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A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
California
Requires
Wear
Outraged
High
Sexist
Women
Restaurant
Heels
Restaurants
Southern
More quotes by Craig Ferguson
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
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It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
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I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
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An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
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This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
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By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
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Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'
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The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.
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Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
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I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
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The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
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Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
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Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
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I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.
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I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
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You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
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He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
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Oh Satan you're a wily one.
Craig Ferguson