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Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on?

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
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Stand-Up Comedian
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More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Craig Ferguson
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I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Craig Ferguson
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Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
Craig Ferguson
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This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
Craig Ferguson
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Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
Craig Ferguson
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Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.
Craig Ferguson
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I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
Craig Ferguson
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Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
Craig Ferguson
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Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
Craig Ferguson
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The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.
Craig Ferguson
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You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.
Craig Ferguson
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Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson
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Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
Craig Ferguson
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Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.
Craig Ferguson
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Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.'
Craig Ferguson
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The 3-D effects in Star Wars are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
Craig Ferguson
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This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
Craig Ferguson
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A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
Craig Ferguson
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The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
Craig Ferguson
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
Craig Ferguson