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You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Never
People
Network
Angry
Sex
Talk
Religion
Makes
Many
More quotes by Craig Ferguson
For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
Craig Ferguson
World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall.
Craig Ferguson
Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.
Craig Ferguson
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
Craig Ferguson
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Craig Ferguson
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson
Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
Craig Ferguson
Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'
Craig Ferguson
Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
Craig Ferguson
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
Craig Ferguson
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Craig Ferguson
I wanted to be a rock star.
Craig Ferguson
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
Craig Ferguson
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Craig Ferguson
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
Craig Ferguson
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
Craig Ferguson
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
Craig Ferguson
You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.
Craig Ferguson
I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
Craig Ferguson
