Quote

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

Craig Ferguson

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Served
Campaigns
Mattress
Dignity
Mattresses
Honor
Discounts
Respect
Veterans
Courses
Veteran
Course
Sales
Everyone
Tire

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

Image
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
Craig Ferguson
Image
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Craig Ferguson
Image
There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
Craig Ferguson
Image
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.
Craig Ferguson
Image
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson
Image
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
Craig Ferguson
Image
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
Craig Ferguson
Image
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
Craig Ferguson
Image
You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.
Craig Ferguson
Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
Craig Ferguson
Image
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
Craig Ferguson
Image
I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
Craig Ferguson
Image
I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
Craig Ferguson
Image
The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
Craig Ferguson
Image
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Craig Ferguson