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In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Single
Parties
Security
Passed
Party
Washington
Social
Bill
Unanimously
House
Bills
Nazis
Every
Deny
Voted
Benefits
Nazi
Members
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There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.
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The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'
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When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
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I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
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This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
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Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.
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Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
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New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
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I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.
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Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
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Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.
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Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
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Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.
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Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.
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Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
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Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
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Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
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I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Craig Ferguson
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
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