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The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Gibson
Driving
Cities
Whatever
Three
America
Riverside

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Craig Ferguson
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My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Craig Ferguson
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You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
Craig Ferguson
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The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
Craig Ferguson
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There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
Craig Ferguson
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I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Craig Ferguson
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They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
Craig Ferguson
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Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.
Craig Ferguson
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Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
Craig Ferguson
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Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
Craig Ferguson
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I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Craig Ferguson
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I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
Craig Ferguson
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I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
Craig Ferguson
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Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson
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I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Craig Ferguson
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Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Craig Ferguson
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Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
Craig Ferguson
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It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Craig Ferguson
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The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?
Craig Ferguson
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I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.
Craig Ferguson