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The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
America
Riverside
Gibson
Driving
Cities
Whatever
Three

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.
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Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.'
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Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
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There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
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Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
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Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
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Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
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Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
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I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.
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People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
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That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
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It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
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I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
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When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
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For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
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The 3-D effects in Star Wars are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
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In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.
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I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Craig Ferguson
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Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.
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Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.
Craig Ferguson