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By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Beard
Power
Wright
Steven

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
Craig Ferguson
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I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
Craig Ferguson
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I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
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It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
Craig Ferguson
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I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
Craig Ferguson
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I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.
Craig Ferguson
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In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.
Craig Ferguson
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If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Craig Ferguson
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I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Craig Ferguson
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Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.'
Craig Ferguson
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I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.
Craig Ferguson
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President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
Craig Ferguson
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I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
Craig Ferguson
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Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Craig Ferguson
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Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
Craig Ferguson
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The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
Craig Ferguson
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Great, as long as you're happy
Craig Ferguson
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You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
Craig Ferguson
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There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.
Craig Ferguson
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The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.
Craig Ferguson