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By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Beard
Power
Wright
Steven

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Craig Ferguson
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Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
Craig Ferguson
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Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
Craig Ferguson
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It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
Craig Ferguson
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Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?
Craig Ferguson
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Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012
Craig Ferguson
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If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
Craig Ferguson
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He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Craig Ferguson
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It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Craig Ferguson
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Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.
Craig Ferguson
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The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Craig Ferguson
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He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
Craig Ferguson
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There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
Craig Ferguson
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I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
Craig Ferguson
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Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
Craig Ferguson
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Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
Craig Ferguson
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Great, as long as you're happy
Craig Ferguson
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Stand by your bed and salute me.
Craig Ferguson
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I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
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I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
Craig Ferguson