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Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
Craig Ferguson
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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Rude
Humor
Comedy
Actually
Funny
Everything
Think
Thinking
Tact
More quotes by Craig Ferguson
In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.
Craig Ferguson
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
Craig Ferguson
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
Craig Ferguson
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Craig Ferguson
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
Craig Ferguson
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
Craig Ferguson
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.
Craig Ferguson
I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.
Craig Ferguson
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
Craig Ferguson
It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
Craig Ferguson
There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.
Craig Ferguson
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
Craig Ferguson
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
Craig Ferguson
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig Ferguson
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson
They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Craig Ferguson
President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
Craig Ferguson
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
Craig Ferguson
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
Craig Ferguson
