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Stand by your bed and salute me.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Salute
Bed
Stand

More quotes by Craig Ferguson

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There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.
Craig Ferguson
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At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
Craig Ferguson
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There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Craig Ferguson
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My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Craig Ferguson
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An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
Craig Ferguson
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Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.
Craig Ferguson
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I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
Craig Ferguson
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Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
Craig Ferguson
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You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
Craig Ferguson
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Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
Craig Ferguson
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I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
Craig Ferguson
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From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
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I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
Craig Ferguson
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World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall.
Craig Ferguson
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Great, as long as you're happy
Craig Ferguson
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I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.
Craig Ferguson
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It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Craig Ferguson
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I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
Craig Ferguson
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Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
Craig Ferguson
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The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Craig Ferguson