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I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: May 17
Aircraft Pilot
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Novelist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Talk Show Host
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Comfortable
Beyond
Living
Ambitions
Earning
Ambition

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Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
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I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
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I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.
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A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
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I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
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The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
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I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
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You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
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Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.
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During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
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Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
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There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
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Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
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I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
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Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on?
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Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
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There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
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This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
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I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
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Stand by your bed and salute me.
Craig Ferguson