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...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as the sport of the future since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never come.

Chuck Klosterman

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Chuck Klosterman
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: June 5
Author
Journalist
Music Critic
Breckenridge
Minnesota
Charles John Klosterman
Last
Sport
Future
Spent
Come
Exercise
Lauded
Years
Game
Dystopia
Never
Sports
Railing
Life
Since
Thankfully
Games
Fifteen
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Soccer

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If you can't swim, the idea of being in nine feet of water is terrifying, much less the ocean.
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If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.
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Even though I wanted to experience all these things I was interested in, I couldn't get them. So I had to think critically and culturally about what was available.
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Let's face it: Sadness and evil are always more believable than happiness and love. When a movie reviewer calls a film realistic, everyone knows what that means--it means the movie has an unhappy ending.
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The essays are different because ultimately it's things I'm interested in, and I'm really just writing about myself and using those subjects as a prism.
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The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music 'except country.' People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time.
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And all I could do while I listened to this dude tell me how punk rock saved his life was think, Wow. Why did my friend waste all that time going to chemotherapy? I guess we should have just played him a bunch of shitty Black Flag records.
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If you stare long enough at anything, you will start to find similarities. The word “coincidence” exists in order to stop people from seeing meaning where none exists.
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What my mom failed to understand was that I didn't even want long hair -- I needed long hair. And my desire for protracted, flowing locks had virtually nothing to do with fashion, nor was it a form of protest against the constructions of mainstream society. My motivation was far more philosophical. I wanted to rock.
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It is very easy for me to imagine in 200 years, people looking back at chemotherapy as proof that people of the 20th century were insane and just morons.
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If you play I Don't Want To Know by Fleetwood Mac loud enough -- you can hear Lindsey Buckingham's fingers sliding down the strings of his acoustic guitar. ...And we were convinced that this was the definitive illustration of what we both loved about music we loved hearing the INSIDE of a song.
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At a magazine, everything you do is edited by a bunch of people, by committee, and a lot of them are, were, or think of themselves as writers. Part of that is because magazines worry about their voice.
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[On political correctness:] Any intended message mattered less than the received message, and every received message could be interpreted in whatever way the receiver wanted.
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A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent of masturbating, and I'd sort of fell the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It's fun, but - somehow - vaguely pathetic.
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First, you must love yourself. And if you do that convincingly enough, others will love you too much.
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I grew up on a farm, and we didn't have cable and only limited radio stations, so I wasn't inundated with culture the way people in other parts of the country were. But I was really interested in it.
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Soccer is like punk rock: The product is not necessarily terrible. The problem is the fan base.
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I tend to equate sadness with intelligence.
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Every time I learn the truth about something, I’m disappointed
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